Written Monday, November 8, 2004

I just got in from a trip down to NYC for the weekend. I had a pretty good time. It was the NYC marathon today...it goes down first avenue, right in front of the bar where Mike works. Nothing like watching a bunch of world class athletes do their thing while throwing back a few drinks. Seriously though, it did make me feel like an out of shape pig standing out there...I had this feeling inside like I wish it was me out there running and having all those people cheer for me. My brother has gotten into running marathons over the past few years and has done 3 or 4. I remember back in Houston when he did his first one that I vowed that it would be something I would do in my life. Today, that flame was rekindled. If my paper mache back can hold up to the training, perhaps it’s something I’ll focus on next spring...assuming that I’ll still be here.

Well, the big news for now is that I’ve decided that I’ll be staying here in Boston for atleast the next year...I have to admit though, I’m deathly afraid of falling into the trap and not getting out. It’s hard once you start working...hell, I’ve only been working for a month and I already feel the pressures. Don’t get me wrong, my job is awesome...I mean it is probably better than I could have asked for...but it might be tough for me to stay happy with my life outside of work and becoming trapped by those pressures...especially financial ones. When I was away from the US, I think I really learned a lot about not letting things like that stress you out to much...but now that I’m back here, it’s impossible not to backslide a little. Everyone around me now is so focused on money and how much of it they can horde and for some reason I’ve let it shake my resolve a little and I’ve been questioning what to do with myself in the coming year, especially with respect to returning to my travels. It’s interesting...I often speak to people about how the energy of the life and people in Brazil passes on to you without you knowing it and, in turn, you feed off of that and it pumps you up and makes you feel alive. I think the living in the US is having the exact reverse effect on me. It’s not really taking away from my happiness...it’s just that the being here in this culture sort of makes me feel guilty for all the fun I’ve had and am having...where as, that same attitude was embraced in South America. At work last week I was talking to one of secretaries about being in Brazil and going down the Amazon...I’m telling you I might as well have been speaking in Japanese. Rather than share in the excitement, you just get these questions like, “what would make you want to do that?” in sort of a condescending tone. That’s becoming tough to deal with. Anyway, the bottom line for now is that Boston will be my home for awhile. I guess, in the back of my mind, I knew I would probably stay here, so it feels good to finally have it out in the open.

Anyway, it was a great weekend hanging out with Mike. I really like the energy of NYC. I haven’t quite found that energy here in Boston yet (with the exception of the festivities surrounding the world series)...part of that is because I live a little far out, but more of the reason is that I’ve been doing my best to focus on work over the past month. I’ll try to relax a bit more in November, plus I plan on getting an apartment somewhere in Cambridge or Brighton, which will change things too. I’m still not completely on my feet yet, but I’m not far off and that feels good. I feel like I’ve put a lot on Dave and Carla by having to stay here and I’m certain my welcome is wearing thin. I feel like I’ve already asked so much of them and they have done a lot for me in helping me get my life going, so I need to get out of their hair soon. Once I completely independent, I think things will change for me. I hope to find something soon.



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